a wink from the universe

Somewhere around summer/fall 2020 (that timeframe is universally blurry, right?), I found and started bingeing the Conspirituality podcast, which was the first step of essentially “deconstructing” much of what I’d come to view as my spiritual path over the preceding few years.

The podcast— especially the episodes in that first year— focused a lot on chronicling the real-time unraveling of a number of high-profile, charismatic spiritual “leaders” who went from touting the benefits of essential oils to saying that mask mandates were “medical tyrrany.” As that then translated into a whole subset of New Age & yoga communities speaking out against COVID vaccines (often also mocking COVID entirely), it became impossible to ignore the overlap between those communities and the disturbingly libertarian and/or anti-science ones.

The producers of Conspirituality have since gone on to cover a much broader range of fasincating topics— and while I don’t listen to every episode anymore, I’m grateful for the role it played in finding a path that feels much more real and true for me. Many books were donated, many email lists and podcasts unsubscribed from. I am still grieving parts of that path— ideas, practies, tinctures that felt magical and whimsical— but it started to feel even more important to honor my inner compass, even if it was at odds with what I wished I could believe.

Welcome to My Brain, an Actual Wind-Up Toy

I actually hadn’t planned on writing about any of that in this post— though when I decided on the title I wanted to use, I noticed a sense of needing to give it more context. When I say this next part, I want to remind readers that I am speaking only for myself and where I’m at on my spirtual path; if these things don’t feel true for you, please know I can certainly make room for people I love and respect to hold different views and beliefs.

All that to say— I no longer believe that the universe “speaks” to me, or that it sends “signs” that are meant just for me, as messages or nudges in one direction or another. Rather, I believe that we’re dealing with a lot of cause and effect, confirmation bias, and good-old-fashioned chance.

From that perspective, meaningful coincidences are real to me in the sense that, sometimes, things just happen to line up at timing that feels perfect somehow— hence the title of this post. I may not believe “the universe” (a benevolent puppet master?) is actually winking at me— but dammit, I like the short-hand language and metaphor, so use it I shall. And I don’t have to believe in what New Agers call “synchronicity” (as much as I might wish I could) in order to appreciate the beauty of a meaningful coincidence.

(If you’re curious to hear more about this topic, definitely let me know via email or in the comments— and check out my friendquaintance Jess’s blog specifically on those subjects.)

Jeeeez, just get to the coincidence already

Okay okay! But, shocker— it requires a bit more backstory:

1. I mostly love teaching yoga, but really dislike the part of it that triggers my old social insecurities of feeling like I’m not one of the “cool kids”— somehow fundamentally too awkward and unpopular to consistently draw a “good number” of people to my classes.
   
   While I certainly know that I can always continue growing as a teacher, once I got past a certain point in my teaching, I at least didn’t believe my low numbers were about my teaching itself… which is good in that I genuinely believe I have something valuable to offer, but bad in that the only other way I can make sense of it is the “unpopular” thing. And that has never felt good.
   
   

2. Since early December, I have been teaching a weekly class at Sanctuary, the studio where I did my first YTT back in 2015. I have been really excited about the opportunity, but point #1 has been showing up a lot.
   
   A lot of weeks so far, I’ve had just 1-2 students. They are wonderful, complimentary, and keep showing up— and I really enjoy teaching them. But it has definitely been a challenge to my ego, on top of feeling embarassment/shame that the students and studio owner will wonder what’s “wrong” with me that more people aren’t coming.
   
   

3. In December, Sanctuary had ordered a number of super-freaking-cute new clothing items, including a cream-colored cropped hoodie with the new logo that I had my eye on immediately. I kept meaning to buy one and forgetting to actually do it.

Okay, back to the story—

About a month ago (mid-January), I had 5 students in my class that day, which was a treat. At that point, I had also recently decided that I was going to do a no-spend clothing challenge for the whole year— that’s right, not buying any clothing for the Whole. Damn. Year. (Don’t be too impressed— before thinking about doing the challenge, I happened to buy seeeveral things in December, so frankly I had a bit of a head start on shopping for a good while. 🙈)

Anyway, I had made the theme of class that day Aparigraha, which is essentially about non-greed or non-grasping. For me, it’s a lesson I can keep learning better and in different ways All Of The Time, and I imagined that was the case for many of my students, too, because *gestures at the culture all around us*.

One of the new-to-me students, Mary, came to class that day wearing the aforementioned cream-colored hoodie. At one point in class, I shared about my no-spend clothing challenge as a way I am trying to practice aparigraha. I joked that I had seen Mary wearing the hoodie and realized, “nooo, I forgot to buy the hoodie before the New Year! Oh well, I can ask my husband to get it for me for my birthday soon.”

I did end up mentioning to Chris that I’d love the hoodie, to which he responded, “just take my card and buy it” and I was like “that feels too much like cheating.” Whaaaatever. I let it go and decided either he'd get me the hoodie, or I would almost certainly survive without it. 😝

Which then brings us today…

As I was getting ready to leave home earlier today to teach class, I checked MindBody again—yep, one person signed up. Again. Cue the pity-party, what’s-wrong-with-me inner monologue.

Neither of my regulars were signed up, either (which I don’t take personally, as even regulars have anomolous weeks), so this was a new-to-me person— and while I vowed to myself to make it a positive experience for both of us, I was still feeling disheartened.

I arrived and unlocked the studio, turned on the lights, and saw this sitting on the desk:

What?! I was awe-struck.

That student, Mary— with whom I have only interacted that one time so far— remembered this from a month ago, and bought me this as a birthday gift. (My birthday is a couple weeks from now.)

I literally laughed out loud at A) how ridiculously kind it was, B) how silly it is to let the stupid numbers get to me (the irony of getting stuck in my ego about teaching yoga is not lost on me), and C) the particularly good timing of this random act of generosity.

While waiting for my student to arrive, I called an audible on the theme for today’s class, making it Santosha: contentment. Enoughness. Knowing that we have enough, we’re doing enough, we ARE enough.

Another student registered about 10 minutes before class, and then a third walked in right as we were about to begin. I felt a swell of gratitude for these 3 humans who showed up to practice with me, for Mary’s kindness, for the good side of humanity as a whole. For the enoughness that we often take so much for granted.

Sure, I would love for my little class to grow some— but even if I have 2 students, I want to trust in the enoughness of that, and to know that having “only” 2 students in a class does not translate to ME not being enough.

I feel grateful for this poignant lesson, and hope that it is a reminder to anyone reading to find the enoughness surrounding you. Yes, sometimes we are faced with real scarcity or lack, and an “abundance mindset” is hardly a cure-all. But most of us who have quite a bit of privilege are also probably so accustomed to “enough” that it can be easy to forget that it’s all around us.

Look around you:

Where is there already enough?

How are YOU already enough?

xo,

Val